Meet Mama

I have twins. Therefore, since we left the house for the first time on an excursion other than to see the doctor, my twins and I have been a spectacle. Its like we are a set of freaks wandering the world! For the first 4 months, I was actually terrified to be alone with them. I had fears they would scream and rise up against me in fits of rage while I was alone and that I would be beaten down by these two teeny infants. And then whats worse? Who would give feed them? Who would take care of them? Who would pump their breast milk?!?! One of my boys had acid reflux, so of course, I KNEW no one would remember his medication if they did indeed defeat me, and NO ONE would remember he needs to be up right after eating for 30 minutes. . . .

My husband, B, was thankfully very patient with me. We had a helper, C, who saved me, and my boys actually on several occasions. Sometimes, I just HAD to walk away! In the early months, we lived a few states away from 'home' and had a lot of family visiting. On one occasion, B's cousin, CC(yes its two c's. her name is the same is our helpers), was out to visit us for a few days. She joined us on an excursion to the mall. During our morning routine - whatever THAT was way back then with twin 2 month olds, I shared stories with CC of the millions and gazillions of random people who thought I gave a sh*t about their twin relationships and experiences. I cant tell you how many stories began with, "OH!!! My second cousins girlfriends brother in law is a twin" I also cant tell you how much I fought to hold my tongue and fists back from punching out this stranger stealing my precious moments from me. Didn't they know it took us LITERALLY an HOUR to walk out to the car?!!? That it took meticulous planning to make sure breast milk was pumped JUST before leaving so I had 3 hours til I was back to moo-ing in my stall? I wanted to scream at them to just 'SHUT UPPPP!" But of course, I couldn't yell at the lovely old lady who just wanted to know, "are they twins?!" Uhhh, no. . . . they're just really close in age. . . . ACK!

Its not that the questions and invasions of my day weren't well intentioned, its just that I didn't care. I'm BUSY. I HAVE TWINS!!!

CC is one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. She smiled sweetly and rubbed my back, almost telling ME to shut up. . . but in the nicest way possible:) (no sarcasm here, we do ADORE her)

It didn't take long, we were at the mall for less than an hour, it may have even been less than that. And she saw it. CC stopped me and shared that she had counted how many times we had been stopped just walking around the mall. 13 times. THIRTEEN?!?!!?!? Are you kidding me?!?!?How many more mall freaks are waiting to slow our pace? I'm due back at the pump soon! We haven't had lunch! Baby E needs his bottle right this second so he will be done in 15 minutes, so he has 30 minutes of upright time before getting back in the car seat so we avoid a reflux episode and end up the emergency room - again, so we can be home within my 3 hour window so I can get back to the pump, so we have more food for my babies and my breasts don't EXPLODE! We took the cold shoulder route and proceeded to ignore everyone. C, CC, me, and the kids. . . . an entourage just to get through a lunch outing.

We found a quiet seating area, and split up baby duties. However, the double snap n go was like a flashing neon sign that 'i have twins' People leered like we were a zoo attraction. Really? Its JUST two babies. . . . move along now, THANKS. During this feeding time, the 3 of us girls decided it would just be awesome if I could simply react to these mall oglers as I wanted. To the teen mall worker who was too busy texting, chatting up customers or just being lazy, I could punch him in the face (I know, not nice, but its real either. . . ) To the customers holding up the line and paying with a CHECK (?!?!!!??) Id light up my rocket boosted stroller and zoom ahead of her to complete my transaction. To all the random people with their comments; 'oh my, you must have your hands full!' 'look at that! double trouble! haha' (hahahHA my @$$) I got to cinnaBOMB them. I'm not sure what a cinnaBOMB does yet, but I'll let you know as I decide:) Something along the lines of a creamy cinnamon and frosting mess that renders the annoying person stuck and I get to move about my day - I only have TWINS, full hands apparently and a million things to do that are more important to talking to you, random stranger.

Oh, and the mall security can't touch me, because I'm lightening quick and they miss the chaos I cause. Plus, I'm super charming and I have twins. . . right?